I’m a woman aged 45 and have an unusual marriage. My husband is in his late 60s, so there’s a big age gap.
When we got together, we’d been friends for a long time and I really loved him.
He told me before we married that he didn’t want a sexual relationship and I agreed, probably because I’d had years of miserable relationships and just wanted to be with someone who was kind, caring and my best friend.
I wanted to be looked after if I’m honest. Not financially, but emotionally.
Now, though, I realise I’m missing a sexual dimension to the relationship.
I’m craving physical contact, other than just hugs and kisses, but I feel guilty for this. I don’t think I can admit how I feel because I know he’s not interested in sex and I agreed to that when we married.
I find myself looking at other (younger) men and wondering what it would be like to sleep with them.
The whole thing is making me unhappy and I can’t help feeling I’ve made a terrible mistake and also deceived my husband.
Can you advise?
Stop giving yourself such a hard time. The fact is, people change and circumstances change – that’s life. You went into the marriage genuinely believing it was right and you didn’t deceive your husband.
When we get into any relationship or when we walk down the aisle, we don’t know how things are going to turn out years down the road, but if you love someone you just have to trust in the relationship and go for it.
I understand you feeling guilty because you love this man and don’t want to hurt him, but it’s not fair on him either to stay in the relationship if you’re not committed.
You won’t be able to keep hiding your unhappiness and your desire for a physical relationship, so your resentment will grow.
Bite the bullet and be honest with him and see what he has to say. I think you’ll have to accept he’ll be upset, but he might also understand. He might also recognise that the age gap has become more apparent and that it’s not working.
It’s hard to have these conversations, but I think it’s even harder to be in a marriage that isn’t working.