‘I’m utterly in love with my friend but she’s getting married – do I

Dear Coleen

I was devastated to find out a good female friend is getting married next year. I’ve known her since we shared a flat at uni and we became inseparable.

We never dated officially, although we did “mess about” sexually on a few occasions back then.

However, there was always a boyfriend on the scene “back home”, so things were never able to progress romantically with us.

Over the years, we’ve stayed in touch and sometimes get together with our other university friends.

I don’t think I realised how much she meant to me until I heard the wedding news – I’m in love with her, but it never dawned on me until that moment.

I’ve had relationships over the years, but nothing serious.

I think, unconsciously, I always hoped things would work out with my uni friend at some point in the future.

I suppose I’ve never told her how I feel because I’ve been too afraid of being rejected.

Now she’s getting married, I know it’s now or never.

I’ve confided in two of my mates, who each have a different take on it – one thinks I’d be mad to tell her because she won’t feel the same, and the other has a “nothing ventured, nothing gained” attitude, so I don’t know what to do.

Can you help? 

Coleen says

This is tough to hear, but I think if she’s getting married, all bets are off. If she’d had genuine feelings for you, she had plenty of opportunities in the past to tell you. And I think if you messed around sexually, but things never progressed, it sounds like you were a “best friend with occasional benefits”.

I can’t tell you what to do, but ask yourself if it’s fair to tell her when she’s clearly happy with her fiance.

If you do decide to tell her, then yes, it might affect your friendship if she doesn’t feel the same way.

And, I think you have to be prepared that there’s a fairly slim chance she’ll break her engagement and run off into the sunset with you.

What I find sad is that this unrequited love you feel for your friend is stopping you from finding happiness with someone wonderful.

I’m not one of those people who believe there’s only one person out there for you – I think that’s a ridiculous notion. But you won’t spot her if you’re constantly looking back.

I also think that if you’ll find it hard maintaining this friendship, you should take a step back from it – and, if you can’t handle the wedding, make a polite excuse and don’t go.

Covid-19 rules might decide that for you. It’s self-preservation. And when you do meet a woman you really like, let her know from the start.

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