‘My fiancé of 2.5 years makes excuses each time I mention the wedding’

Dear Coleen

I’m almost embarrassed to share my problem when people are going through so much worse, but here goes! I got engaged to my fiancé two-and-a-half years ago and he still won’t agree to setting a date for the wedding.

I’m sick of my friends and family asking me when we’re going to do it and it’s totally taken the shine off the proposal. I’m starting to feel he doesn’t actually want to do it and only proposed because he felt he should!

And that doesn’t make me feel great about myself.

It’s also starting to affect our relationship because it’s always at the back of my mind and I’m always thinking about how I can bring it up with him or get him interested in it. Surely it shouldn’t be this hard – it’s so unromantic.

We’re both 34, so it’s not like we’re really young, and if we’re going to start a family, we really need to get on with it.

Every time I mention the wedding he comes up with some excuse for it not being the right time and, of course, he’s now got the perfect excuse with Covid! I’d love your opinion.

Dear Coleen

Coleen says

First of all, don’t be embarrassed – this is clearly causing you a lot of distress.

The wedding has become an elephant in the room and of course it’s not healthy for your relationship.

Secondly, don’t pay attention to all the outside noise from friends and family – that’s just what people do when you get engaged.

Come up with a stock phrase if it makes things easier – such as, “Thanks for asking, but I’ll let you know when there’s any news on that front”.

Now, as far as setting a date goes, I think you should take the focus off that and have a serious conversation about your relationship as a whole.

Be direct and ask him how committed he is, ask him what’s stopping him from wanting to marry you, and ask him if he ­realises how unhappy the whole thing is making you feel.

Yes, Covid-19 has thrown a huge spanner in the works, but it wouldn’t stop you from having a register office wedding for two or putting a date in the diary for a year’s time and starting to plan.

Take some control back because at the moment it sounds as if you’re happy for him to hold all the cards and make all the decisions about your future.

I realise this is scary because you might not like how he answers, but it’s necessary if you’re going to move forward.

Of course you can’t – and shouldn’t want to – force your partner into marriage, but you do deserve some honest answers.

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