‘My wife refused to have sex with me for 30 years and now I can’t

Dear Coleen

This letter might be a first for you. I have a unique problem that’s on my mind every day and is driving me crazy.

Although I’ve been married for more than 30 years, I’ve never had sex in all that time as my wife does not like me touching her. She has no interest in sex.

Over the years I’ve laid next to her in bed and talked about it, thinking she might come round, but no.

I know this is wrong, but two years ago, I met a woman and we got on like a house on fire. Soon afterwards we ended up in bed – I couldn’t believe it!

However, on both occasions, I couldn’t get an erection and felt really ashamed and less of a man, but she has been patient with me.

Then a month ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer, which has been zapped in hospital but, to add to my erection problem, I’m also on hormone treatment for another 12 months so, adding insult to injury, my penis is now even smaller as well as limp. A double whammy of doom!

I want to know if things will return to normal once the treatment is over or if I’m destined never to be loved by a woman.

Coleen says

First, I don’t think it’s ever too late to try to create a life that makes you happy. So keep that in mind when you’re thinking about your marriage and what to do about it.

You don’t say why you chose to stay with your wife – maybe love, companionship, loyalty or even guilt, or perhaps you couldn’t find the confidence to leave her.

When it comes to sex, I think confidence is bound to be an issue if you haven’t had sex with a woman in 30 years. It’s going to take time and patience to rebuild your confidence in bed, but if you have a caring and understanding partner, then that shouldn’t be a problem.

And if you want to be with this woman, then talk to her, ask her to be patient and tell her your fears. I think real communication was missing in your marriage, so be open and honest now.

But you have to also be honest about your marriage and perhaps your confidence will grow if you can end that chapter of your life and make a fresh start without the burden of cheating on your wife.

Finally, ask a doctor about erectile dysfunction and how things will recover sexually post-treatment. They will deal with this issue all the time, so will be able to give you help and information.

Good luck with your treatment – and for a happier future.

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